Why we should stop the outsourcing of parenting - A Homeschooling mom's plea

Hi, I’m Nitya, a homeschooling, neurodivergent, self-employed mom of two teens. My husband and I have been homeschooling our kids for over a decade.

According to me, homeschooling a.k.a. parenting ought to be as instinctual, natural, and freeing as growing a seed or taking in a breath. It’s simple at its core but has complex layers of experiences, choices, and emotions. 

Whether you’re already homeschooling or considering it, or you’ve stopped by to pick up a thing or two on parenting, I hope this article, from a work-in-progress mom, helps at least one of you with one takeaway.

Let me start with how much I didn't know about what I didn't know. I was a 24 yr old first-time mom, living in the chawl rehab buildings on the outskirts of Navi Mumbai, with my husband. We lived in a single room house with wonderful neighbours and the signature water cuts. Our room was so small my husband and I would have to take turns to cross each other.  

But our joy was huge. We cherished every moment with our gurgling newborn. I worked from home, struggled to make ends meet, but hey, my baby’s grin was all I needed to get over a client's yelling and get back to the grind.

3.5 years down the line, we had saved up to enrol her in a local convent school. First day of school, first uniform, two pony tails with white ribbons, Doraemon school bag, lunch bag, Mickey Mouse pencil box and separation anxiety (for me). The works.

Come school annual day, my kid ‘outshone’ her peers and won the key role in the school play. Applause, camera flashes, neighbours envy, parents’ pride. While on a high, we heard reports about paedophilia and ensuing riots (by the survivor’s community) in a neighbouring school. 

The abuser was institutionally protected and even spared a basic investigation. 

This shook our complacent world. Through research and watching parent interviews, we understood that schools, for younger kids, are basically an arena where predators can roam free and families pay to become prey. 

Mainstream school was no longer an option, until she grew old enough to discern between good touch and bad, and was in a trusted environment of accountable, liable adults.

But if not school, then what?

Apparently, there were plenty more options than mainstream schools.

We searched online. Back then, the internet was peppered with a few homeschooler stories. We reached out to one family who had homeschooled for 3 generations, much before the internet. 

We read voraciously about how homeschooling is basically parenting, on steroids. 

Just kidding. 

It’s about continuing to raise my kid for a bit longer, just how I birthed her, nursed her, watched her walk, prepped her for her annual day play. My self-doubt as a homeschooling mom, whenever it arose, was from the conditioning I was subject to, as a product of the mainstream system. 

We devoured books by John Holt. A whole new, peaceful, meaningful, safe world for my kid opened up. Right in my living room. The parent-child bond is one of the strongest teacher-learner bonds that Nature has to offer. Why would I pay to replace that with a weaker bond?

Research shows that homeschooled children have higher than average thinking skills, stronger sense of self. Why would I pay to dilute that?

There’s an entire spectrum of homeschoolers- you have world schoolers, road schoolers, unschoolers, you name it.  With our meagre means, we began to explore road schooling, meet other families, and after a decade, we have a close network of families across different ethnicities and backgrounds, that we are growing older with.

Are there any cons? Of course. We keep playing devil's advocate and look for holes in our philosophy and practice, and plug them. Reddit for instance, has a number of valuable threads trashing homeschooling, by adults who were once homeschooled. That’s gold.

Fast forward to 2011. Our second-born buoyed our hearts and slid right into the groove of homeschooling, bringing with her, her mesmerising eye contact. My older kid and I treasured every moment with her, and I barely had enough bandwidth to take in two beautiful babies’ worth of babbles and bubbles.

Do we have a name for our type of homeschooling? Is there an organised community? 

No. 

In fact, my only plea is stay as far away as possible from organised institutions of any kind - educational, religious, political, or social. Most exist for money and self-perpetuation. They do not love our kids. 

We are survivors of a religious cult and currently undergoing emotional and financial rehabilitation. Trust me when I tell you to stay far away from organised institutions.

So, how can you embark on your own homeschooling journey?

Build your own ecosystem, curate the elements / families in your inner circle. 

By osmosis, we learn and we impart to each other. We must’ve interacted with a few hundred homeschooling families until now, across four states of India. Each one, their own values, lifestyle, financial situations. After every meetup, we reflect and discuss as a family, and see our compatibility and if our resources also permit engaging with the said family, and we build our ecosystem (think terrarium).

• Beware of building an echo chamber ecosystem. 

If your closest 5 families share the exact same beliefs, values, there’s no space for growth; you’re probably in a slow car crash.

• Study your own neurotype.

Character ‘flaws’ are usually an aspect of your neurotype that can usually be managed, with awareness and skills.

• If you’re married, your marital relationship will be the social template for your kids interactions. Be aware of that power. 

• They say, “I wish my kids came with a manual.” They do. It’s called child psychology.

So, please do everyone a favour and start reading the manual.

Read ‘No bad parts’ by Dr Richard Schwartz and the self compassion workbook by Dr Kristen Neff. Even a paragraph a day is liberating.

• Be accountable, so that you don’t become the unloving adult you tried to save your kid from.

We adults also come with baggage and it’s not easy to have unconditional positive regard towards our kids. But having a friend / family to vent to, who will help you reset / repair emotional injuries makes all the difference.

Thank you for reading. Your persistence to read till here shows your thirst for growth. That’s rare and I see you’re off to a good start!

Written by Nitya Kamat

I'm Nitya a homeschooling, work in progress mom.

With all its ups and downs, if I could choose all over again, I would still choose to homeschool my kids.

Why would I miss/outsource 1.8 decades of enjoying & facilitating my children grow? No way!